Oh My God

This lady is my hero. I want to be as sober as she is ALL THE TIME.

Ouch

My dog just went scrotal on me and bit my sack. I’m clothed and this is totally in a non-bestiality sort of way, but it still hurt like a mofo. It wasn’t as bad as that time my zipper caught the end of my wenis, though. Or that time I cut myself shaving down there, which hurt but was more scary in the way of bleeding profusely. From the nutsack. It takes a cookie and some OJ to even keep you conscious. And those are my fuzzy warm Sunday morning memories.

Strange

I don’t really have a comment about him except “how sad,” but I would just like to note that Heath Ledger’s death prompted more phone calls and text messages than any cell phone I’ve ever had has ever seen at any particular moment in time. I swear there was smoke coming out of it.

Warm Fuzzies

Not that I would ever consider either of these, but I’m trying to figure out which one looks the most painful. Not for the squeamish, but highly recommended.

(more…)

Feedback

Those of you who know me know I have a tattoo on my left arm between my shoulder and elbow. I got it when I was 19, and it was a little bit of a rash decision; there’s no other excuse for a three inch solo kanji. If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve known that kanji is all about the context and that one character alone may not necessarily have much (or at least clear) meaning. That, and I’m not Asian. I’ve never seen a mirror, apparently.

Anyway, I never really thought much of it. It was there. And then one day, I was at the drive thru of Shang Yan getting some fried rice, and I went to pay the young enslaved Asian boy when I realized that he was about to see my tattoo and almost dropped the money out the window as I raced to pull my sleeve down. I had officially brought shame upon myself and my family, and was acutely aware of it. Luckily, he’s way more awkward than I am.

So maybe someday I’ll remedy that situation, most likely by getting something tattooed over it. But I’ve kind of been aching to get a new one anyway. Like, forever. My first and most important rule is that it isn’t some kind of writing, especially nothing that requires a translator. Next two rules: it doesn’t obviously require an explanation, and it’s put in a place where I can see it without the strategic placement of mirrors.

A couple of years ago, I found this picture (can’t show you!) that I liked and thought would be a great tattoo. I’ve toyed with this idea for a while, and always eventually coming back to this picture. And it’s something that can be added to over time, which was important in terms of my pain threshold and wallet. I’m pretty sure it won’t be long before it’s permanently etched onto my person. You’ll see pics, don’t worry.

My only concern now is where to get it. I always said I wanted them in covered locations. You know, because I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and I fear not getting a job for a reason like that. But at the same time, I really don’t care. It’s not the faux pas it used to be. I think to myself that I don’t see the point in getting it put somewhere that it will rarely, if ever, be seen. I think I want it on the underside of my left arm between the elbow and wrist.

Opinions are strongly encouraged. In fact, they are mandatory.

The Power of Resolve

In years past, I’ve refused to make new year resolutions out of “principle.” I figured most people set goals for all the right reasons, but don’t achieve them for all the wrong reasons. Yesterday, my friend Rob told me his resolution was to lose 15 pounds. I thought about it and decided that simply “losing weight” isn’t a goal that would get results, but rather the result of a goal which had yet to be set. After all, you can’t will the weight away. I told Rob he should be more specific with his wording and himself, and he decided that his resolution was to do cardio at the gym X amount of days per week and eat slightly smaller meals. And that’s something that will, without question, produce results. Screw the number and focus on the process.

So that’s sort of been what’s on my mind today - trying to be clear about my intent and so-called ‘resolutions’ so that I don’t set myself up for failure by being vague. And I need this because I’ve set a whole slew of “resolutions.” NOW is the TIME, people! I won’t dare spell them all out for you, but I’ll give you a taste. I have one big huge goal which kind of revolves around becoming more like I used to be, rather than the cynical asshole I am now, and it involves a plethora of sub-resolutions, some of which are entwined, but some of the lesser goals are as follows:

1. Stop saying the words “fuck” and “fucking” so much, which brings shame upon myself and my family.
2. I try not to judge, but I usually fail. At a bare minimum, I need to be more specific in my judgments. “That fucking crazy ugly bitch” will become “that insane, unfortunate bitch.” This is more a factual statement than a personal judgment.
3. Einstein said that the single most important decision any of us will ever have to make is whether or not we believe in a friendly universe. From now on, I choose to believe that it is. This is much easier than I thought it would be and I think it has the potential to be more helpful than anything else. It’s exhausting being a cynical asshole, after all.
4. Remember that just because some old dead person said something doesn’t make it true. Not coincidentally, also remember that the tools of denial and delusion serve the natural purpose of self-preservation: They can be my friends.
5. Use my innate skills as an INFJ, but at the same time, stop dwelling on things I have little to no influence over.
6. Only be reactionary in appropriate situations. Being appalled is too much fun to give up cold turkey.
7. Write more. In every way possible. Every day. From Livejournal to my Low-IQ Haiku. Creation makes me Godlike, therefore I must be creative or be a monkey.
8. Remember that what goes in will come out, and what comes out will come back times x 3.

We won’t even touch the physical realm of my resolutions, but suffice it to say that the list goes on. In short, I resolve to try to be a better person buy changing everything about myself! It’s not going to be fun - like, at all - but these are not things that I haven’t done before, so results should be apparent very soon.